Sunday, September 11, 2011

here comes the babe

this pregnancy has been great. i really am blessed to have pretty easy pregnancies- i rarely get sick, i feel good most days and i am able to keep up with my 18 month old pretty well. my doctor is always commenting that i have fabulous pregnancies. the deliveries, however, are a whole other story.

with violet, we were advised that we would need to do a cesarean because i have a condition called cephalopelvic disproportion. the ultrasound was showing a very large head and my physical exams were proving my pelvis was too small for her to safely come. i didn't like the cesarean- honestly, i felt as though it distanced me from my baby for a moment. they pulled her from me and showed me her amazing little body, but it didn't sink in as reality for a few hours. it was a strange feeling. after the c section, the doctor told me that he believed i would never have a baby traditionally and that all my deliveries would be cesareans. that news was a blow to me. i had a desire to have children the way women have been having children since the beginning of time! why would i be such an exception- especially after having such easy pregnancies?

so, i changed doctors this pregnancy in hopes that the results would be different. at first, the ultrasounds were showing i had a 50% chance of being able to deliver. a few short weeks later, however, we learned that those chances were diminishing and that only a physical examination could prove it possible. some tests were done, ultrasounds were given and the results weren't good. another big baby- and still my small, angled pelvis. my new doctor, who is awesome, explained very gently to me that i am one of those lucky women to be born in this era. without cesareans, it is most likely true that i would not make it through the labor process. that both my babies and i would die were it not for a c section. he challenged me to look at a cesarean as a tool for me to have children- and not to discount this process in the least.

this news, as you can imagine, was not what i was wanting to hear- but it did bring peace. i get to have children! why would i ever be sad about how they come into my life? it is silly. i was feeling pity that i will probably never feel what a contraction feels like or experience that sensation of working so hard to push a child and have the reward placed in my sweaty arms. people think i am crazy for wanting that- but i looked at it as a rite of passage for me as a woman.

i no longer worry about the delivery. i am at peace with a cesarean and i know that this time i have prepared for it much better than i did last time. i don't anticipate the odd disconnect i felt last time at the delivery. with so many of my friends and family struggling with infertility issues, i realized that i am truly blessed to still be able to have my children.

so, with that said, we are headed into the hospital this thursday to meet our new, little girl and i honestly can't be more thrilled about it. i cannot wait to meet her after all this time we have spent together these last 9 months. wish us luck and we will keep you posted!


LAINA said...

OH MY GOODNESS! I am so excited for you and am SO excited to share a birthday with this little girl that you are bringing into the world. Best of luck! We will keep you in our prayers and can't wait to hear how your family of 4 is doing. If you need anything let me know, we aren't that far away. Love you guys.

Missy said...

Great post, I have had other friends with similar feelings after a rough c-section. But I think your attitude is correct and as long as the baby gets here safely, it's a success! Good luck, I can't wait to see the new little bundle :)

Kristen said...

I may be in your same boat Ash. The exact same thing happened with Sophie. My doc said I can try having this little guy via VBAC, but he is already a healthier size and I just feel that I will end up with a c section again. We are lucky to be born in this era...otherwise we wouldn't be able to get our babies out! I know the feeling of wanting to experience true birth, but then I like to think that we are just lucky to be having them at all. :)

Maren said...

Good luck Ashley, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Thank goodness we're not living on the prairie. Modern medicine is truly a blessing.