this pregnancy has been great. i really am blessed to have pretty easy pregnancies- i rarely get sick, i feel good most days and i am able to keep up with my 18 month old pretty well. my doctor is always commenting that i have fabulous pregnancies. the deliveries, however, are a whole other story.
with violet, we were advised that we would need to do a cesarean because i have a condition called cephalopelvic disproportion. the ultrasound was showing a very large head and my physical exams were proving my pelvis was too small for her to safely come. i didn't like the cesarean- honestly, i felt as though it distanced me from my baby for a moment. they pulled her from me and showed me her amazing little body, but it didn't sink in as reality for a few hours. it was a strange feeling. after the c section, the doctor told me that he believed i would never have a baby traditionally and that all my deliveries would be cesareans. that news was a blow to me. i had a desire to have children the way women have been having children since the beginning of time! why would i be such an exception- especially after having such easy pregnancies?
so, i changed doctors this pregnancy in hopes that the results would be different. at first, the ultrasounds were showing i had a 50% chance of being able to deliver. a few short weeks later, however, we learned that those chances were diminishing and that only a physical examination could prove it possible. some tests were done, ultrasounds were given and the results weren't good. another big baby- and still my small, angled pelvis. my new doctor, who is awesome, explained very gently to me that i am one of those lucky women to be born in this era. without cesareans, it is most likely true that i would not make it through the labor process. that both my babies and i would die were it not for a c section. he challenged me to look at a cesarean as a tool for me to have children- and not to discount this process in the least.
this news, as you can imagine, was not what i was wanting to hear- but it did bring peace. i get to have children! why would i ever be sad about how they come into my life? it is silly. i was feeling pity that i will probably never feel what a contraction feels like or experience that sensation of working so hard to push a child and have the reward placed in my sweaty arms. people think i am crazy for wanting that- but i looked at it as a rite of passage for me as a woman.
i no longer worry about the delivery. i am at peace with a cesarean and i know that this time i have prepared for it much better than i did last time. i don't anticipate the odd disconnect i felt last time at the delivery. with so many of my friends and family struggling with infertility issues, i realized that i am truly blessed to still be able to have my children.
so, with that said, we are headed into the hospital this thursday to meet our new, little girl and i honestly can't be more thrilled about it. i cannot wait to meet her after all this time we have spent together these last 9 months. wish us luck and we will keep you posted!